Seasons Change

Just read my last post! Which was my first post from last fall. Wow! Now 5 months from then and in a COMPLETELY different place. Only 5 weeks left in my SECOND semester! How crazy is that? I have almost completed my first year of GRAD SCHOOL! It is so amazing to think that and to also think that this time next year I will be graduating!! Not to get ahead of myself but it is crazy to think of all that God has brought me through and what else may be to come. I have come to newer understanding of what the seasons mean. Aside from the fact that I am from Florida and we don't really have seasons, this understanding has been a newer revelation of my spiritual journey.

FALL : Some definitions- (also known as fall in American English) is one of the four temperate seasons. Autumn marks the transition from summer into winter, usually in March (Southern Hemisphere) or September (Northern Hemisphere) when the arrival of night becomes noticeably earlier; A period of maturity verging on decline.

What strikes me about this definition is that the arrival of night becomes noticeably earlier and that maturity basically begins to decline. As I reflect on my first months here in Wheaton, the graduate program and coming off of a life of community, I think about in my spiritual life what it looked for night to seem noticeably earlier. The night or the darkness did seem to come and to come quite quickly. Coming off of the year I came from and into a new place, I felt so alone and really that I was in a dark place. And it always seemed as though the night was coming in quicker than ever before. I remember when my parents left and thinking "finally I am free and on my own" and blah blah blah. Then it happened, one thing after the other started to fall apart basically and rapidly so. And just as leaves fall so everything was being stripped off of me, my "true colors" were showing through. God was preparing to deal with me, preparing me for longer nights and shorter days.

WINTER: The coldest of the year, between autumn and spring, marked by the shortest days and longest nights.

What a great description. My times of darkness and night in my life were so long. "Day" in my life was so short, no light and sunny times. I felt sad and alone, bare and as if I was raw and open for all to see that I was struggling and trying to figure it all out. Obviously winter is typically described the coldest season. Everything has died, the leaves are gone and all is bare. My winter was just that. I experienced a death of a season of life. Sure I had my old community still available if I absolutely needed it but I had to say goodbye to it and fully so. And yet. God was preparing me. Not that I could see it at the time but He was. Then my mom was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and it was tough. It was tough being away from home knowing all that was happening at home. AND it was physically winter time at this point- February. February is known as the worst month of winter and it was. It snowed constantly, was bitterly cold and it was very hard to get through. This winter period lasted through February to me being home through the surgery and a couple weeks when i got back and into preparing for Spring break. There had to be a reprieve coming at this point. It felt like everything was crashing in. One series of bad things after the other, was there ANY good to be found?

Life after community...

Wow I haven't blogged in so long. I decided to try out a new place to blog and change from my AIM blog. We'll see how this goes!

It's been almost 3 months since I have moved to start graduate school at Wheaton and 3 months since leaving Community Life and what a whirlwind of events and emotions it has been. I can't believe that it hasn't been longer!

I got up here on August 17th and plunged into life and school the following week. It was all a little surreal and in some ways it still is. Am I really at Wheaton College one of the most prestigious christian colleges in the country? Am i really in Chicagoland?

Did I really just go from spending an intense year in community to essentially everything that is the complete opposite?

That last question is the one that weighs on my mind most these days. I guess I am finally experiencing the full and complete setting in of the fact that I am alone. Now before I get the rush of responses that I am not alone and have friends and am a good person and yada yada yada, it is more than just an issue of having friends. The past year I spent 90 per cent of my time working, living and doing life with 10 other people....consistently. So much happened over this time. We went through many intense, emotional, fun and memorable times together. It was community; at it's best and it's worst. You name it, we experienced it. It was real. It was raw. It was intentional. It was downright frustrating at times. But it was my life and dare I say....worth every minute. Read about it all here.

Fast forward to August. Here I am in a new place where I know no one, barely the roommates that I am living with. My parents leave and I arrive to a place where I don't even really know who is living here. My first couple weeks at my current residence were pretty rough. I felt so alone and didn't want to deal with it. I was so grateful for when Maggie was here(one of my housemates from last year)about an hour away. I drove to see her a couple times to have some sort of familiarity and semblance of connection. I went to classes and started to try to form relationships with people within my program. It was and still is tough. As much of a seemingly intentional program that it is...there's a disconnect that's happening. I don't know what it is. I felt us getting close but in the end.....cliques happen. I know it's a fact of life but I got to tell you, it's something I haven't been use to seeing in awhile. Last year, my community was THE clique! lol

What an incredibly stark contrast to last year in so many areas of my life. It's hard too because I feel like no one understands the weight of what I went through and the now culture shock type experience I am going through. It's all about that desire to be known, you know? And then after my month in Swaziland this summer...that's a whole other story that I don't even know if I have fully begun to process all that happened there!

Here it is, almost coming up on mid November and where am I at now? To be honest. I am dying to go home. I can't wait! The transition really has been harder than I thought it would be. People that I thought I was getting close to in classes......well I'm just not. I think what it comes down to is that I don't know how to just do normal get to know you relationships. I feel like the past year was so extreme that I don't know how to deal in regular terms and just give time for things! Things didn't readily happen in my community last year, however things were set up for relationships to happen, intentionality was in a sense manipulated to happen. I am looking forward to going home to get refreshed in solid and reliable friendships and family connections.

I say all this to openly admit where I am at. It's hard, I am struggling but it isn't ALL bad. This area is wonderful. Wheaton is a great school with awesome godly faculty who have challenged me and taught me so much, more than I thought possible and I am learning more and more about about myself all the time. Chicagoland is beautiful. It's your typical cluster of suburbs but that aren't too far from the city. Just hop a train and in 30-40 mins you are there and there is SO much to do! I am learning to love the city.

And as much as I feel I have been lacking in the area of connections, I can't rule out everyone. The Lord has blessed me and has put in my path 3 ladies who have been amazing encouragements and sources of relationships while at Wheaton and in the end it's all about quality and not quantity of relationships. The Lord knows what He is doing and He hasn't left me either! I just need to continue to trust and take it one day at a time.

In the meantime, God is teaching me how to be still. He's reminding me that He is what I need and that I can't go to others to satisfy the longing for relationship that I have. He put that longing there and only He can fill it. He's teaching me a log about solitude and loneliness that is healthy when it is loneliness with Him.

I have been studying Henri Nouwen in one of my classes. He talks about this a lot and I look forward to sharing more about this loneliness and solitude in other blogs to come. Thanks for takin the time to catch up and check in! I appreciate any prayers or thoughts to share!